A year ago, my husband kicked me out of the house. Told me to leave. That broke me and destroyed me because I didn't see it coming. Blind-sided. Things were not perfect, but I thought that we were just going through a phase as things in life were changing. My daughter was getting ready to graduate high school and was going off to college. He had lost three significant people in his life within 9 months, was miserable at his job and the final straw, getting emergency custody of his son (which was the straw that broke the camel's back, so they say). He rarely had time for me and he felt that he needed to give whatever he had to me to his son, so out the door I went. Over the past year, he has come up with a million other different excuses as to why he did what he did. I've had my thoughts on it and he has confirmed a few of them over the past year.
I've been through so much in this past year and how I made it out alive, I have no clue at all. None. God and Nola (my dog). Because without Nola, I would have never made myself get up every day. I prayed to God to not let me wake up for the most part of this. I wanted the horrific nightmare to be over with. I just wanted to hear my husband tell me "come home, I miss you." Never happened.
In October, I had a wake up call. Rock bottom, so to speak. I started getting my life together. Found an amazing counselor and have made great strides to get through one of the worst times of my life. I had stopped drinking for 4 months. Now, I have a drink occasionally, but it's nothing like it was when this started. I lived drunk. How I managed to keep my job (not to mention the second job that I picked up) amazes me. It was really bad there for a while. I'm not perfect and I've had a few slip-ups here and there, but each time, I've learned the lesson.
I work two full-time jobs (damn near). So when I do have time, I am very picky with whom I spend it with because my time is very precious. I am mostly at home with Nola as I am rarely home. She's become my rock in all of this. I have no clue where I'd be without her. A year ago, today, I put down my 15 year old dog who had been through everything with me. I had to put her down because she couldn't handle the stress of moving. He kicked me out and a few days later, I moved to my sister's house. Roux couldn't handle the stress and she was beginning to become senile. I miss her.
I love my husband, still, despite everything that has happened. I've respected my vows (and continue to). My husband has my heart. Always will. I've given him a year and told him as long as he needed to figure it out. He hasn't changed from the day that that he told me to leave. He's full of hurt and hatred and it's directed towards me and I do not know why. He's cut me off in communication at times and then feels the need to throw me a crumb to suck me back in, but it's not working anymore because I deserve more than the crumbs that he throws my way. I deserve more than what he can give me right now. I deserve better and I know that. This last episode proved that to me. He never believes me and takes the word of strangers or "friends" who tell him lies about me. Honestly, I could careless who the "friend" was because I never once asked him who "she" was. It's a lie and I know that it is.
At the end of the day, I'm independent. I'm paying all of my bills, living on my own, hustling working two jobs and doing whatever it is that I want. I just got back home from vacation with my daughter, her friends and my friend. Fun girls' trip to Orange Beach, Alabama. I have plans of traveling this year and have the next two planned already. I love my husband with everything that I have, still, although he really does not deserve it, but maybe he needs it more than ever right now, I don't know. I hurt because he's hurting and he still isn't happy and I can see it in his eyes whenever I do see him. I can also see that he still loves me more than anything as well. I'm not perfect, but I'm picking up the pieces of the life that he destroyed and building a new one. I like who I am becoming. I'm not the same person that he married and I'm not the same person he told to leave. For the first time in my life, I am alone and I am finding myself and who I am supposed to be. I'm focusing on me and who I want in my life. I have a select few who I have allowed into my very close circle because as I said, my time is precious.
