Weekend with Friends.

I actually had a whole weekend off.  Not used to having that as I bust my ass working 7 days a week.  Sometimes working 9 hours a day and sometimes working 16 or 18 hours a day, depending on the schedule from the part-time job that I have.  

This weekend, I had some friends come in from out of town (Texas) for Jazz Fest.  Friday night was so much fun.  As a "local" one does not usually go down to the French Quarter as we spent our teenage years down there drinking illegally.  Until you became 18, which at that time, back in the day, you could drink legally at bars but you could not purchase alcohol at the store until you were 21.  Weird law.  Anywho, I went down and met a friend and her family.  So much fun just people watching.  Oh the sites.  Met some locals but most were tourists.  

Saturday, I spent the day laying out by my pool.  The water was freaking freezing, but it was a beautiful day and I took advantage of same.  Then ended the night with eating boiled crawfish at a neighbor's house and then going to bed early, snuggling with my Noles.

Yesterday, more fun... laid out by the pool for a couple of hours, then went to a childhood friend's house.  It was there that I got talked into maybe going to the 610 Stompers cruise that is in early September.  Her husband is a Stomper.  There is also a pub crawl as well.  I may do that as well.  Funny thing is that I'm not drinking nearly close to like I was, if at all.  I have fun at these events people watching if anything.  I like the sober life way too much.

Booking a girls' trip to Biloxi for Memorial Day weekend.  Looking into a few other long weekend trips as well.  Something that I am learning about myself is that I love to travel and now that I have the means to, I can do it and enjoy it.  There is a whole world out there to explore and nothing is holding me back.  Time to get that passport too.  There is more than the United States that I'd love to see. Life is too short to not enjoy and I got a second chance at doing it.  Going to take it all in and enjoy the journey. 

An open letter to you:

I do have to say that you've taught me a lot over the last 12 years.  Actually, more over the last year than anything. 

I'm not going to be bitter about anything because, honestly, there isn't anything to be bitter about.  I am on my path and you're stuck where this all first started.  Which brings me to unconditional love.  You taught me that I can love someone who I am not blood related to. I thought that I would never be able to love someone unconditionally like I do my daughter.  I was wrong.  This last year has taught me how wrong I was about that.  I hurt because you hurt.  I hurt because I can't fix it and I hurt because you are not doing anything to fix it either.  You're looking for excuses and buying expensive things to fill the void when reality is, Baby, it's within.  Everything is within.  

I loved you through your darkest days.  Your darkest.  I lost myself in trying to fix you.  When everyone told me to give up on you and to move on, that you do not deserve me...I couldn't.  I never gave up on you.  I prayed every day that God would put us back on the path together and that we'd be good again.  The obstacles got harder and I went down a dark path, myself.  It wasn't until I was slapped in the face with consequences that I woke up and started taking care of me.  How can I take care of anyone else when I am slowly trying to kill myself because I lost what was the best thing that happened to me, aside from my daughter?  I started getting my life back together and I get stronger everyday.  I work my ass off working two jobs (damn near full time) and I work hard and play harder.  Life is too short to do anything else other than live it and live it to its fullest.  

For the first time in my life, I am independent.  No one to answer to, my bills are being paid and I'm doing it all on my own.  I have to say, our last exchange during Good Friday opened my eyes to a lot, Love.  We are in two totally different places.  As I said before, you are still where you told me where to get off and now I am farther ahead.  I have no clue what the future has for us and I'm not really focusing on that right now.  If we are meant to be, we'll find our way back to each other.  If not, it was nice knowing you and I hope that you find the love and happiness that you deserve.  You're not a bad guy, we are just not meant to be together right now, if at all.  I get that.  I just hate looking into your eyes and seeing how much you do love me and at the same time the pain and misery that you're struggling with.  Again, I hope that you find whatever it is that you are looking for.  I love us enough to let go of the rope.  

Love Always

Pondering thoughts...

Figuring out where I am suppose to be and who I am supposed to be in this life has been quite interesting.  It's been a very crazy journey. Honestly, one that I wouldn't change either.  At my weakest moment, I found strength that I never knew existed.  I love a man unconditionally and therefore he is my one true love, but I've also learned that in order to continue my journey, I must let go.  Letting go is the hardest part, but the way that I see it, I have to in order for him to find himself and his happiness.  If we end up back together, great.  If not, he taught me what I needed to learn and it was a valuable lesson that I will never regret nor forget.  

I have the itch to travel.  Badly.  So traveling I will do. New Orleans will ALWAYS be my home base, but maybe I was meant to explore something more deeper.  I've always had a gypsy kind of soul, so maybe now, that there isn't anything tying me down here, I can do just that.  Experience life as it should be experienced.  Living, loving and laughing.  

My Sunday working French Quarter Fest

I worked French Quarter Fest this year.  It was so much fun and such a beautiful day (Sunday, the last day of the festival).  I work for New Orleans Original Daiquiris as a manager and we had a few booths out there.  We were so busy.  It was non-stop, but where our booth was situated, we were on the river front which was nice as it was breezy and sunny.  

On my way to working the FQF (French Quarter Fest).

 

 

Brunch consisted of Crawfish Pasta...

 

I was slinging some drinks... and boy.... was I messy.  

 

Thanks to Auntie da Barbaras for taking this pic :)

Then, I scored a trade.  Love bartering.  Fried oyster poboy from Redfish Grill.   The best ending to the crazy, yet beautiful day.  

   

Working two jobs is insane sometimes, but...it does have its perks when you get to work festivals.  Next up... Jazz Fest.  

 

What a difference a year makes.

A year ago, my husband kicked me out of the house.  Told me to leave.  That broke me and destroyed me because I didn't see it coming.  Blind-sided.  Things were not perfect, but I thought that we were just going through a phase as things in life were changing.  My daughter was getting ready to graduate high school and was going off to college.  He had lost three significant people in his life within 9 months, was miserable at his job and the final straw, getting emergency custody of his son (which was the straw that broke the camel's back, so they say).  He rarely had time for me and he felt that he needed to give whatever he had to me to his son, so out the door I went.  Over the past year, he has come up with a million other different excuses as to why he did what he did.  I've had my thoughts on it and he has confirmed a few of them over the past year.  

I've been through so much in this past year and how I made it out alive, I have no clue at all.  None.  God and Nola (my dog).  Because without Nola, I would have never made myself get up every day.  I prayed to God to not let me wake up for the most part of this.  I wanted the horrific nightmare to be over with.  I just wanted to hear my husband tell me "come home, I miss you."  Never happened.  

In October, I had a wake up call.  Rock bottom, so to speak.  I started getting my life together.  Found an amazing counselor and have made great strides to get through one of the worst times of my life.  I had stopped drinking for 4 months.  Now, I have a drink occasionally, but it's nothing like it was when this started.  I lived drunk.  How I managed to keep my job (not to mention the second job that I picked up) amazes me.  It was really bad there for a while.  I'm not perfect and I've had a few slip-ups here and there, but each time, I've learned the lesson.  

I work two full-time jobs (damn near).  So when I do have time, I am very picky with whom I spend it with because my time is very precious.  I am mostly at home with Nola as I am rarely home.  She's become my rock in all of this.  I have no clue where I'd be without her.  A year ago, today, I put down my 15 year old dog who had been through everything with me.  I had to put her down because she couldn't handle the stress of moving.  He kicked me out and a few days later, I moved to my sister's house.  Roux couldn't handle the stress and she was beginning to become senile.  I miss her.  

I love my husband, still, despite everything that has happened.  I've respected my vows (and continue to).  My husband has my heart.  Always will.  I've given him a year and told him as long as he needed to figure it out.  He hasn't changed from the day that that he told me to leave.  He's full of hurt and hatred and it's directed towards me and I do not know why.  He's cut me off in communication at times and then feels the need to throw me a crumb to suck me back in, but it's not working anymore because I deserve more than the crumbs that he throws my way.  I deserve more than what he can give me right now.  I deserve better and I know that.  This last episode proved that to me.  He never believes me and takes the word of strangers or "friends" who tell him lies about me.  Honestly, I could careless who the "friend" was because I never once asked him who "she" was.  It's a lie and I know that it is.  

At the end of the day, I'm independent.  I'm paying all of my bills, living on my own, hustling working two jobs and doing whatever it is that I want.  I just got back home from vacation with my daughter, her friends and my friend.  Fun girls' trip to Orange Beach, Alabama.  I have plans of traveling this year and have the next two planned already.  I love my husband with everything that I have, still, although he really does not deserve it, but maybe he needs it more than ever right now, I don't know.  I hurt because he's hurting and he still isn't happy and I can see it in his eyes whenever I do see him.  I can also see that he still loves me more than anything as well.  I'm not perfect, but I'm picking up the pieces of the life that he destroyed and building a new one.  I like who I am becoming.  I'm not the same person that he married and I'm not the same person he told to leave.  For the first time in my life, I am alone and I am finding myself and who I am supposed to be.  I'm focusing on me and who I want in my life.  I have a select few who I have allowed into my very close circle because as I said, my time is precious.