This is from a friend's blog. It really hit home as I know of some women/men (mostly women) who are like this. Thankfully, they are not anyone close to me nor a friend. Just passers-by in life who I have learned to stay far away from.
High-Conflict Phases of Abuse, Blame Shifting, Distortion, Rage and Manipulation Diagram
Although
this post is published under my name (Dr Tara J. Palmatier) it was
actually written by one of my clients who is also a doctor in another
health field. A couple weeks ago, he sent a diagram (included below)
he created to discuss during our upcoming session. I was blown away.
The diagram captures the abuse, blame shifting, distortion, rage and
manipulation cycles that he experiences in his marriage week in and week
out.After we discussed the diagram, I asked my client if he would be willing to write a legend for it and he graciously agreed. I am very appreciative that he took the time to document what he experiences in his marriage and suspect that many of you who are reading this will, sadly, find what he describes all too familiar as well. Again, the following post and diagram were respectively written and created by one of my clients who prefers to remain anonymous:
Sorting Out the High Conflict Phases: A Personal Observation
by Anonymous Client
Most likely if you are reading this, you or
someone you know is involved with a high-conflict individual and
subsequently dealing with a broken or difficult relationship. If you are
a guy, you probably just perked up when you read the word “broken.”
Let’s face it, if you’re like me, you probably like to fix
things. Fixing things can be simultaneously challenging and rewarding.
But what can you do when you find yourself in an abusive, illogical and
unrepairable relationship?
You could just head for the hills, but that
isn’t always possible, especially in the beginning. Things are more
complicated than just escaping your self-centered partner. There’s
children, family, friends, finances, religious beliefs and numerous
other variables involved. Even your own “manipulated” self-mental
assessment regarding your accountability for the conflict may keep you
from leaving. I mean, the person you thought you knew and trusted is
telling you it’s all your fault, right? As a result, many of us are not
so quick to leave and, therefore, have to deal with the conflict for a
while. We need to seek other options.
I have been involved in health care for
over twenty years and I frequently encounter patients who have medical
problems that can’t be “fixed.” It is undeniable that some individuals
deal with their situations much better than others. Some are in constant
turmoil while others seem to have an inner peace about themselves. So
the obvious question is, what makes the difference between the two
groups?
It has been my observation that individuals
who deal with things most effectively are on a journey to learn. They
actively seek relevant knowledge regarding their problems. But equally
important, they have perspective. They are able to see the bigger
picture. This awareness enhances their coping skills. More
simply stated, if you know what’s going on and where you might be
headed, you feel better. You may not like your circumstances any better,
but you feel better internally. Which group would you want to be in?
Psychological War is Hell
Over the last few years, I have read
numerous articles regarding abusive relationships. I could relate to the
manipulative tactics that high-conflict individuals use to abuse and
control their partners. However, I had difficulty seeing the bigger
picture. I knew where I had been, but I couldn’t tell where I was going.
Or, could I? After reflecting on my own years of adversity, I began to
recognize distinct repetitive phases to each conflict in my marriage.
Each phase seemed to serve a particular role. With this revelation, I
decided to try and add some perspective by analyzing the phases. The
result of my efforts is the flow chart described below. If you are prone
to flashbacks and nightmares I suggest you stop reading here! (Legend continues below diagram).
The first two phases are knee jerk responses. Your significant other has been the way she is for a long time. When things don’t go her way, she just goes on autopilot and bad things happen. Let’s break it down.
Phase I
Perceived Insult.
It is easy to think of this as the “trigger.” Problem is, this is no
ordinary trigger. It is a hair-trigger. Anything that portrays her as
less than perfect or holds her accountable will trigger her for sure.
You need to evaluate what triggers your partner. If you were the one
that actually triggered the response, it will be easier to identify.
However, sometimes it wasn’t your finger on the trigger. More on that
later.Disproportionate Rage. This phase could easily be labeled “shock and awe.” You will be in awe because in your mind the perceived insult will not warrant the level of rage you receive. If your infraction is deemed serious enough, she is most likely to use nuclear weapons first. Don’t be surprised if you are subjected to flying objects, yelling, divorce threats, and false 911 calls. There will definitely be memories that last a lifetime!
After the mushroom cloud clears, things will de-escalate slowly. This may take hours, days or even weeks sometimes. The significant difference between the knee jerk phases and the remaining ones is that the events and conversations will become very calculated and manipulated on her part. Illogical arguments and distorted views will definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties.
Phase II
Defensive / Retaliation. This is basically a scaled down, less violent version of the previous phase. Cluster bombing comes to mind. She has done nothing wrong! You are wrong!
It’s just that simple. Anything you say is wrong. Even an apology would
be wrong. Your recollections of the events are inaccurate. Nobody has
ever treated her as poorly as you do.She claims that all of her friends, doctors, therapists, parents and the mailman agree with her. They all know you are an abusive jerk. She claims she will continue to do whatever she wants. You will pay for your infraction. She is the judge, jury and executioner all in one. You are not able to get a word in edgewise at this point. All you can do is hunker down and let the bombs fall.
Phase III
Playing Nice. Are you willing to surrender?
Here is your chance. She will approach you in an eerily calm manner and
pretend like nothing ever happened. She will then offer some type of
phony apology as well as a dose of blame. The old, “I’m sorry, but. . . it’s really your fault.” Never
mind that she has repeated the same actions numerous times. That
doesn’t matter. You are suppose to take her at her word that she is
genuine this time.All you have to do is admit that her actions were your fault and you need to change your ways. She will even let you speak at this point. Nothing you say will be correct but at least she will pretend to listen. Offers for make-up sex might even be made to facilitate your compliance with the program.
Secondary Arguments. If you decide to withhold raising the white flag, you will find your battlefronts broadening in scope as you engage in “topic warfare.” The topics of conflict will stray far from the original infraction. Every problem you have encountered since the beginning of your relationship will come up. Any sensitive information you have shared with her will be misconstrued against you. The attacks become very personal in nature.
You don’t make enough money. You’re a lousy lover. Every relationship she has ever had is better than this one. It goes on and on until she gets a very pivotal reaction I call the “nugget.” The nugget is any bad or politically incorrect reaction on your part. Heaven forbid if you defend yourself or call her a name. Unknowingly, you have just been read your Miranda rights. Anything you say can and will be used against you. As soon as she gets the nugget, this theater of operation is over.
Phase IV
Pseudo-Victim Creation.
The nugget is the catalyst for the creation of the pseudo-victim. You
are now outgunned and dealing with a psychological special operations
unit. Her skills at being a professional victim are so well honed that
you will even start to doubt yourself. Things get very dramatic.She will cry, sulk and need to be consoled by friends. The guilt trips she lays on you are very intense. It has always been her, that has fought for the relationship while you have never even cared! What have you ever done for her? How can you be such a jerk? You use her as a beast of burden!
Role Reversal. At this point she has successfully taken the spotlight off of herself and put it on you. Things have come full circle. Her original reactions are completely “off topic.” You now find yourself defending yourself about one of the other issues brought up in the previous phase. You will find yourself shell-shocked and not even knowing what you are really arguing about at this point.
She will continue to repeat the cycles from “playing nice” to the “role reversal” until she is satisfied that she has either won the war or some other “hot topic” comes along and takes precedence.
Phase V
The Cloud.
This is basically a cold war phase. If you accepted her phony apology,
you may have been able bypass the Secondary Arguments, Pseudo-Victim
Creation and Role Reversal and leap frog directly to this phase. There
are no direct conflicts in the Cloud, but uncertainties are abound. The
underlying hostilities are still there. There is never any real
resolution or compromise to the previous situation. There is only
pseudo-forgiveness. Even though the prior conflict is not talked about,
it will certainly come up again in some other secondary argument phase.Establishing a demilitarized zone and avoiding each other may provide some degree of normalcy and peace to your life. Like being in a real cloud, the visibility is poor. You have no clue what the next conflict will be about or when it will occur. If you are a veteran, you will learn to be on a mental red alert at all times.
Special Considerations
Covert Route.
This happens when you weren’t the one who pulled her trigger. It is
essentially a shortcut to the secondary argument phase. An example would
be when you experience “topic warfare” minutes after you get home from
work. An unknowing partner may think she is just in a bad mood, but in
actuality, somebody insulted her during the day and she is taking it out
on you to make herself feel better. A clue to confirm this is that she
is mad at everybody and not just yourself.
Submissive Route.
As previously noted, if you are willing to accept her phony apologies
and “drink the Kool-Aid”, you can take a shortcut to the Cloud phase.
Just remember, there is no amnesty granted. You still caused her to act
poorly in the beginning. You are basically on parole. If you violate
your parole, the conflict will immediately pick up where it left off.
Don’t Be a P.O.W.
In a normal relationship, one would be able
to eliminate this cycle of conflict through understanding and
compromise. However, with high-conflict individuals, this cycle is
deeply ingrained within their DNA. As described above, there is no
compromise. There is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation
designed to blame you for any lack of responsibility or accountability
on their part. Absolute control of the partner is the goal. This is very
difficult to identify and understand in the beginning.
Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame
one’s self or to simply justify their bad behaviors. Only through
careful observation can one begin to perceive the true intent of your
partner’s manipulative actions. In my case, the visualization of a
flowchart added a tangible realization as to why the conflicts
progressed as they did.
These are, of course, my own personal
observations and interpretations. Your personal flow chart could vary
from mine. Nevertheless, I suggest you do your own case study and study
the trends. Your epiphany might just give you a different perspective.
You may not like your circumstances any better, but you may be better
able to cope with them until other options are available.
Thanks again to my client for this very insightful diagram and its explanation.
This is the link:
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