Tuesday, December 11, 2012

21 Suggestions for Success

21 SUGGESTIONS FOR SUCCESS

1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery;

2. Work at something you enjoy and that’s worthy of your time and talent;

3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully;

4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know;

5. Be forgiving of yourself and others;

6. Be generous;

7. Have a grateful heart;

8. Persistence, persistence, persistence;

9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary;

10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated;

11. Commit yourself to constant improvement;

12. Commit yourself to quality;

13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power, prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect;

14. Be loyal;

15. Be honest;

16. Be a self-starter;

17. Be decisive even if it means you’ll sometimes be wrong;

18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life;

19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you’ll regret the things didn’t do more than the ones you did;

20. Take good care of those you love; and,

21. Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make your mom proud

~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Stepparenting book in the making? Why not?

Life is truly interesting. Needless to say, I am thinking about writing a book on stepparenting and what not to do. Lord knows that I've had enough experience with that on the receiving end of being a stepparent. My journal with regards to my stepparenting journey is quite interesting and entertaining. Why not see if something can come of it?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

RIP Lt. Christopher Cambiotti.

I've never experienced the feeling of helplessness as I do now. With ever second that I breathe, my heart aches for my sister as she is currently experiencing something that we all fear and she is experiencing this at such a young age. She's only 31 and she has to bury her best friend, soul mate and love of her life. Friday is the "policeman" funeral that Chris always wanted and then we fly up to Pennsylvania, where he is from, to endure another viewing and funeral where he will be laid to rest finally.

To die as Chris did is so senseless. You'd think being that he was a NOPD Officer, that he would have died in the line of duty, but to be killed while passing time because your love is working is just senseless.

This is an article that my sister was interviewed for (along with a family friend). It was beautifully done and I wanted to share.

I will miss you, my brother. I also promise to take care of Maggie for you. You are her true love and your memory will live on forever!

Slidell resident, NOPD Lt. killed in auto crash

New Orleans Police Department second in command of the First District Christopher Cambiotti and his girlfriend of seven years NOPD Homicide Detective Maggie Darling stand together at an event in the city. (Photo Courtesy of Maggie Darling)

Posted: Wednesday, October 24, 2012 1:00 am | Updated: 4:26 pm, Tue Oct 23, 2012.

By David Freese St. Tammany News | 0 comments

Christopher N. “Chris” Cambiotti, 42, was born in 1970 and grew up in the little city of Bethlehem, part of the Lehigh Valley region of Pennsylvania. He died tragically Oct. 20, in Hattiesburg, Miss., following a two-vehicle collision along U.S. Route 49.
How Cambiotti, a built and courageous man who always sported a “crew cut,” made his way to the Gulf Coast, only later to climb the ladder through promotion after promotion with the New Orleans Police Department, is quite the journey. Many couldn’t imagine taking such chances that Cambiotti had, friends say.
According to Donald Paisant, a former NOPD officer and now Chief of Security for the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans Arena and Champions Square, Cambiotti was a longtime friend, and “immediately took a liking to him.”
“He was a very personable young man, always smiling, always positive, Paisant said while being interviewed at Cambiotti’s home alongside Maggie Darling, Chris’ girlfriend of seven years and homicide detective for the NOPD.
“He went to high school in Bethlehem and went on to earn his degree in Business Administration at a college in Lehigh,” Paisant said.
Cambiotti’s parents, Carmen and Henry Cambiotti, still reside in Pennsylvania, while his older brother, Henry Jr. “Rick” Cambiotti, moved out of the city as Chris had, he added.
Cambiotti worked for some time in Bethlehem following his college studies but decided he wanted to become a policeman.
“He applied at three locations - Miami, New Orleans and Los Angeles - and the first one to call was New Orleans. We were doing a hiring at the time,” Paisant said.
Cambiotti would undergo training with the Police Academy and after graduating in 1997 he was assigned work in the New Orlean’s 8th District on “night watch,” working from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m.
It was while working in the 8th District as a lieutenant that Paisant met Cambiotti. At the time Paisant was Cambiotti’s platoon commander.
According to Paisant, the district was short of field training officers and when the number got real low he’d get Cambiotti on board with him. The two would become good friends.
“I asked him, ‘So what brings you to New Orleans,’” Donald said. “He says, ‘I can’t take the cold weather no more.’”
Once Cambiotti finished training, he was put out on the streets on his own in a one-man car. Paisant says Cambiotti went beyond his duties, was a productive officer and volunteered often, especially when dispatch would put out a call requesting police assistance.
“He was (often) the first one to say, ‘Lieutenant, I’ll take care of that,” Paisant said.
Times changed and so did the NOPD. In 1998, Paisant moved on to work in the 2nd District while Cambiotti remained in the 8th District. Paisant was out the loop for roughly three years before heading back to 8th District once again, except to work for the Detective Unit. By then Cambiotti had already been promoted into the Detective Unit. Officers working in the 8th District are generalized, meaning they cover a variety of cases, not just burglaries for example, Paisant said. However, Cambiotti specialized in solving cases pertaining to armed robbery, which was particularly a problem in the 8th District’s tourist area such as the French Quarter, he added.
“At one point he had the highest clearance rate of armed robbery cases citywide…and at that point I knew he was going to be really, really good,” said Paisant. “I knew he was a rising star in the police department and that if he kept on the path that he was going he was going to wind up being in charge of a detective squad, which he was at the time of his death.”
He was the district investigative unit commander of the 1st District, he said.
In 2005, Paisant retired from the NOPD and went on to work in another career.
It was around this time that Cambiotti met Darling. Both were employed with the NOPD, were dynamic and loved spontaneity.
“He was beautiful. He takes good care of himself; he was everything I was looking for,” Darling said.
“In the police profession - and I’m no longer in it now - you always like to have friends that you can bounce things off of and I think that in Maggie and Chris’ case they had the best of both worlds; they were best friends and they truly loved one another,” Paisant said.
According to both Darling and Paisant, those who didn’t know any better would have believed Chris was a New Orleanian his whole life.
As a transfer New Orleanian, Cambiotti grew to love the metropolitan area, Darling said. He lived in an apartment in the Warehouse District and also had a house uptown off Tchoupitoulas Street and Napoleon Avenue.
“He loved the city and even more he was so proud to be a New Orleans policeman. In fact I thought it was kind of freakish actually,” Darling joked.
Following Hurricane Katrina, Darling and Cambiotti vowed it would be best if they moved to the Northshore from Algiers, where they were previously living. They ultimately purchased a home in the new Crossgates neighborhood off Whitney Drive.
The couple was very passionate about sports and loved to just jump in the truck and go anywhere, Darling said.
“We loved to take day trips together on the whim, just lived very spontaneously,” she said.
On Saturday, Darling was on duty and working the day shift. Her boyfriend had the day off and was looking “to kill time.” Cambiotti’s friend, Thomas Daughdrill, 42, asked if he wanted to take a ride to Mississippi, for no other reason than to go driving cause it was a beautiful day, Darling said.
Meanwhile, Paisant was just sitting in his seat within the University of Southern Mississippi’s stadium to watch a football game when he got a call from a Deputy Chief of the NOPD.
He said Chris had been in a bad accident in Hattiesburg, Paisant said.
According to Mississippi Highway Patrol Troop J Spokesman Todd F. Miller, Daughdrill and Cambiotti were riding northbound along U.S. Route 49 around 5 p.m. in a 1970s Midget when a 2002 Mercury Mountaineer, driven by 26-year-old William Scott, of Hattiesburg, impacted their vehicle’s rear.
Daughdrill, Cambiotti and the Midget sped off the roadway. Cambiotti was ejected from the vehicle and died on the scene, according to memo released by the NOPD.
Neither Daughdrill nor Scott was cited and an investigation is ongoing, Miller said.
“It didn’t appear alcohol or anything like that was involved,” he said.
When Paisant received the news, he headed to Forrest General Hospital where he believed Cambiotti was being transported to. I could still hear the PA System at USM, that’s how close the hospital was to the university, Paisant said. After waiting for a short time, Paisant got another call from the NOPD, except this time they told him Cambiotti was in the local morgue.
Meanwhile, Darling and Cambiotti’s boss Bobby Norton, who is the first district commander for the NOPD, were on their way to Hattiesburg.
“By the grace of God, Donald was already there. He was able to do something I couldn’t and that was identify him,” Darling said.
“Notifying family members of the tragic incident was probably the most difficult thing I’ve had to do. I’ve had to do it too many times and you never get used to it,” said Paisant.
With Cambiotti’s older brother being away on a trip in Mexico, Paisant had no choice but to call Henry Cambiotti directly. At first the former employer of Bethlehem Steele and proud father who is well into his 80s didn’t take the news well.
“I think he’s at peace. He knows it was an accident,” Paisant said. “He knows there’s nothing Chris did or didn’t do that could have done anything.”
At the end of his life, Cambiotti was second in command of the city’s first district.
“This is a true loss for our community. Chris was a dedicated officer who cared for and respected his community very much,” Norton said.
According to NOPD Superintendent Ronal Serpas, Cambiotti was popular among his fellow officers and made numerous contributions to the police department.
“He’d always make a point of coming over to say ‘hello’ during breaks at weekly COMSTAT meetings. He always had something positive to say and he always had a smile on his face,” Serpas said.
After asking Darling if she could share a few last words with her partner, she responded, “I love you and wish I could have been there for you.”
A memorial for Christopher Cambiotti will be held Friday at the Saint Louis Cathedral in New Orleans.

Friday, July 20, 2012

For those cooyons who need help understanding our accent. :)

Cajun Dictionary

Cajun State Motto: Laisse les bons ton rouler. (Let the good times roll)

Cajun State Song: Jolie Blon

Cajun State Bird: Mosquito

abdominal, detestable, horrible.

"If you don get a hair cut you gone to look like de abdominal snowman."

ablum, a collection of music on record.

"I got a ablum by Charlie Pride at de store."

ag, the round reproductive body of birds or animals.

" I like my gumbo wit turtle ag."

ah, I, the first person.

"Ah like you."

ak, the process of doing.

" Why don you ak right."

all, petroleum.

"Check the all too, please."

alma dillon, armadillo.

"Ther's no more turtles, de alma dillions dig up all de ags.

anh, a reply used when one does not understand or as an expression of surprise.

"Oh Boudreaux, lan me twenty dollars? " "anh!"

ax, ask.

"ax him if he wants some more gumbo.

bad, a piece of furniture used for sleeping.

"He's sick in de bad."

bag dare, in the rear away from civilization, in back of.

"He went bag dare in de swamp."

ball, to boil.

"Ya'll come over tonight, we gonna ball some crawfish."

bat, to wash or bathe.

"Go take a bat, you stink."

Boo-dree-ox, how Rednecks and Yankees pronounce Boudreaux.

booray, a card game played in Cajun Country, Also, to lose or go broke.

"You gonna booray if you try dat hand."

cam, tranquil, calm.

"De fish should bite, de waters cam."

cause, the price paid to aquire something.

"How nuch does dat cause?"

car porch, a hood entension used for parking cars (car port).

"My car porch leaks arrytime it rains."

chew, from the French slang meaning rear end or behind. In Cajun dialect, it may also mean the whole person especially if he is undesirable.

"Get you chew off my boat."

chew rouge, irritated, provoked. Translated literally, a red ass.

"Dat fellow gives me de chew rouge."

chiren, infants or young ones.

" Call de chiren, its time for supper."

chock a block, very abundant, packed.

"De lake is chock a block wit duck."

chockay, incoherently drunk.

"You gone to get chockay wit dat cheap wine!"

chu chut, a general purpose substitute for naming any small object or device.

"De motor wont run wit out dat little chu chut dair."

chune, to tune a musical instrument or engine.

"Dat motor needs a chune-up."

coil, to telephone to.

"Coil me later, my old man's home from offshore."

coo, a very enthusiastic expression of amazement.

"Coo! Look at de size of dem shrimp."

cooyon, stupid, dumb, also an educated fool.

"If dem cooyon engineers don stop digging canals all over, we gonna all flood."

d, always used in place of "th", i.e. dem people, de car, dose apples, etc.

"All dough dis is you boat, dat is my motor."

do do, to sleep (from the French dormir).

"It's time to make do do, I got to get up at five tomorrow."

dubba, twofold.

"I got dubba my money back on dat deal."

dumata, a red pulpy garden vegetable.

" My favorite vegetable is a dumata."

each, irritation of the shin.

"I each all over."

een, within, inclusion.

"He's all the time een trouble.'

een dare, within.
"Dare's a big coon een dare."

enemy, injection of liquid into the rectum.

"If you eat too much cheese, you'll have to have a enemy."

fay dodo, a dance or party.

"De last time we went to a fay dodo all you did was dance with Tee-Harry's wife."

fooyay, to meddie, a foolish act.

"Ah told you not to fooyay with Alcide's box."

four michael, formica.

"Honey, if we catch plenty of shrimp dis season, can I have some four michael on my kitchen cabinets."

ga, to look, look at.

"Ga, here come Boudreaux wit his new gilfran."

gaga, someone prone to be too inquisitive.

"Arrytime we pass in front of her house dat gaga is rocking on de porch."

galee, an expression used to denote surprise or astonishment.

"Galee, it's you dat was dressed up like dat for Mardi Gras."

goat rocks, how Rednecks & Yankees pronounce Gautreaux.

gang warden, a wildlife agent.

"Git rid of the dinner mite here come the gang warden."

gogo, a slang expression for making love.

"My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo."

gree gree, any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient.

"If dat new guy don't stop follin wit ma girl, ahm gon put a gree gree on him."

guff, large body of water, Gulf of Mexico.

"Lets go to Grand Island, de guff is cam."

had, the upper part of the body, also the brain.

"You might as well git it into you had, you can't go to dat trashy place."

hafass, low grade, half hearted effort, inferior.

"Dat's a hafass job if I ever saw one."

hairline, a major thoroughfare in New Orleans (Airline).

"Dey had a bad wreck on de hairline."

Halo Statue, a reply over the telephone, when the answering party is familiar.

hayacall, used to denote any object or creature for which the name is unknown.

"Dat hayacall jumped out de tree and ate him in de show."

hormel, substance formed in Endocrine glands.

"Dem hormel pills make all dem women crazy."

hose-pipe, water hose.

"Pick up de hose-pipe befo you cut de grasses."

I, seldom pronounced as such. In cajun dialect: I is pronounced as ah, but pronounced as e when preceding a consonant.

if, used often as a strong affirmative reply.

"You lak to dance?" - "If!"

ion, a common metal, also to press clothes.

"Ion you own dress, lazy."

jaws, a glass container.

"Tante (Aunt) Cecile sent us 12 jaws of fig preserves."

Jaypan, Japanese.

"All dem Jaypan radios is trash."

juga keen, sugar cane.

"Arry time dey spray de juga keen it kill all de doves."

Junya, a young boy, junior.

"Oh, Junya, quit teasing your sister."

kang, a metal container.

"Pop me another kang of Bud, please."

kritspee, crispy.

"We out of bread, eat de kritspee."

lak, to show affection.

"Ah lak her but she don lak me."

launch, noon meal.

"He was fired from NASA because he taut a launch pad was where you went to eat."

leaf, to go away, depart.

"Leaf me alone!"

loan motor, a device for cutting grass.

"With all dis rain de grasses is too high for de loan motor."

loopey long, The Huey P. Long Bridge.

"Ah don like to go to New Orleans de loopey long is to narrow."

ma, possessive adjective.

"Ma feet hurt!"

marry, happy. Gay.

"Marry crease-moose."

may, but, well(from the French - mais ).

"May, ah taut you brought de bait."

me, same as in English but frequently used with I.

", me."

metry, system of measurement.

"Why we gotta have dat metry system, arrybody knows dat 2 pints equals 1 quart, 4 quarts equal 1 gallon, and may, 5 gallons equals a 5 gallon kang."

moodee, cursed, foul, no good.

"Dat noodee loan motor never starts until you crank you arm off."

Nannan, god mother.

"I wish ma nannan was rich lak you nannan."

neutral, nutria.

"Dem neutrals will bite you if you not careful."

nonk, uncle.

"You nose is big lak Nonk Justin."

nort, north.

"All de crabs is gone up nort."

nuttin, nothing.

"nuttin went right today."

ohm, house, home.

"It's time for you to go ohm."

ovadaddy, over there, away from.

"He's way ovadaddy across de lake."

paunch, to pole, hit.

"Shut up or I'm gonna paunch you."

peeve, concrete road.

"Dey need to peeve dis road to git rid of de holes."

pansil, implement used for writing.

"Don't run wit dat pansil in you mouth!"

pleece, deputy, law officer.

"Keep ;you dog in you yard or I'm gonna call the pleece."

pleet, plate.

"De pleet>< B>launch is good at Annie's."pleet>

pooyie, distasetful, offensive.

"You smelled dat perfume she has on." "Pooyie!"

prospect, male gland at base of urethra.

"Nonk Harry had trouble wit his prospect gland."

No Q in Cajun Allphabet.

rad, Crimson, scarlet, also to blush.

"His face turn rad when she left wit dat other guy."

ranch, to wash off.

"Always use cistern water to ranch the dishes."

rat cheer, in front of, before you.

"Rat cheer is where we caught all dem trouts."

roday, to run around, on the go.

"Avery time her old man goes offshore all she does is roday."

Rob E. Chocks, how Rednecks and Yankees pronounce Robichaux.

s, seldom used with the plural often with the singular.

"Ah lak crab, shrimps and ouster."

salse, a seasoned, preparation usually containing tomatoes, onions, garlic, etc.

"Clovis is cleaning de turtles, you can start with de salse."

seem, alike, identical.

"All dem politicians is de seem."

severe, land surveyor.

"Ah'm gone see de severe, he built dat fence across ms propitty."

sha, dear, precious (from the French cher).

"Oh sha, you want to dance."

shad, small building.

"Cut the wood and put it in de shad."

she, used with nouns to denote gender.

"Ma car, she is broke."

shoepick, a large fresh water fish found mostly in swamps and bayous: cypress trout.

"Crawfish is de best bait for shoepicks."

slug ranch, a special tool for changing automobile tires.

"Ah had a flat in de middle of the road and no slug ranch in de trunk."

swimps, edible crustacean common in South Louisiana.

"Don forget de swimps fo de gumbo tomorrow."

T, small, petite, little; also used as a nickname when affixed with surname. T-Boy, T-Harry, T-Cat, etc.

"He don lak for you to call him T-Norman since he moved to Baton Rouge."

tan, the number ten.

"Tan dollars is too high for khaki pants."

tanks, to express gratitude.

"Tanks for letting me use you duck blind."

teeree, the number 3 (roll the "r").

"All ah got left is teeree dollar."

teet, teeth.

"He laughed so hard his teet fell in de bayou."

tie loose, to untie.

"Tie loose de boat."

tied, exhausted, weary, impatient.

"Ah'm tied of dat job."

tink, thought, thinking, concept.

"What you tink ah'm crazy."

true, in one end, out the other.

"He fell true de roof."

trow, to durl or propel, also to put.

"Trow it in second gear or you gonna get stuck."

tunda, the loud noise which accompanies lightning or the lightning bolt.

"Don stand under dat tree, you will be hit by de tunda."

tursty, craving drink.

"Let's stop at de Bon Ton Roule, ah'm tursty."

twat, person or thing of a derogatory nature, also rear end or butt.

"Tell dat little twat to go home."

udder, another person or thing.

"Ah no, it was dat udder guy what did dat."

umpie, referee.

"De umpie was for dem, dats why we lost."

vary, extremely.

"Ah am vary hungry."

very close, swollen veins (varicose).

"If dem women would walk in de swamp lak dey used to, dey wouldn't have dem very close vein!"

violet, ranging, disorderly, violent.

"When ah told him he pay too much for dat boat, he got violet."

vote, unit of electromotive force.

It takes a 24 vote battery to crank dat moodee machine."

warse, stinging insect.

"He's mean lak a warse."

wone, to gain or succeed.

"Ah wone eight dollars playing booray."

X-rated, to examine by means of X-ray.

"You batter go have you had X-rated!"

yallo, bright color like that of lemon.

"Dat yallo dress she had on for de wedding was ugly."

year, the organ of hearing.

"Dat cooyon had a ring on his year."

yestitty, the day preceeding.

"Ah know yestitty was you burtday, but today you lak de rest of us."

zinc, a basin in a kitchen.

"Don wash you hand in de zinc."

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Never been happier.

Ever get to the point in your life where you think "I have never been happier in my life." Well, I have been feeling like that for a while. School is almost done, hubby is finally happy at his place of employment, I've been at my office for 10 years, my daughter is going to be a Sophomore in high school and my stepson is starting his first year of high school, Freshman. The kids are getting older and with that comes more freedoms as a parent.

In May, the hubby and I went to the beach for a week get a way. It was much needed and we had fun. So much fun that I got my first tattoo at the nice ol' age of 39. 20 years ago prior to that, at 19, I got my belly button pierced. Both were done in Panama City Beach, Florida. Wonder if my parentals will allow me to go back? lol. Dad was not thrilled, but I told him that at least he can identify the body should he have to. He did not like that response too much. Eh, he'll get over it and has.

Panama City Beach was like another honeymoon. The condo that we rented was beautiful and the water as well as weather could not have been any better. I look forward to going back, although the hubby is looking at going to Key West, Florida or the Virgin Islands next year. We shall see. It's his turn to plan that one.

The hubby and I are also currently looking for the 'right' house to buy. Thank goodness we have time and if we cannot find the right house, we can always build. My dad is a very reputable builder and although he retired 7 years ago, he still holds his license and we have friends who can build as well. We've gone to look a few houses on the northshore that are on the water.

We've experienced some crazy wackloon neighbors who my inlaws rent a house out to. She's bipolar and not on her meds and she does meth/drugs. Why the neighbor's husband has not killed her, is beyond me. She's started a few things with me and the police has been called each time. She ran both times. The last time, she was beating down the back door threatening to kick my a$$ and kill me. All that I did was open my back door when she pulled into the driveway that we share at 10:00 at night laying on the horn of her car. Gah, I could not close my back door fast enough. That being said, the hubby came home the same time that the police showed up. Poor stepson came home to that as well. The next day, the neighbor's husband was moving her out as she was allegedly getting an apartment. Two weeks later, she's back, but has been on a tight leash the last couple of months until last week, when she was on her way to get her drugs down the street and she flipped us off (us being my neighbors and myself) while we were sitting on their front porch. The more you ignore a crazy person, the more crazier it makes them. Just like in Fatal Attraction, "I will not be ignored, Dan."

Cannot wait to move out because of the whackaloon. Told my inlaws that I do not care if she is screaming bloody murder and is dying, I am not ever opening that back door again.

So, the house hunting resumes this weekend. Don't you just love when everything falls into place? I am one very lucky girl to have it all.

Monday, April 23, 2012

My weekend in the NOLA

This weekend was nice. Saturday, it rained and a cool front blew through. Spent the day studying and the evening with my brother, his wife and their two kids. Love those two little boys, but the oldest definitely has his bad days and makes for perfect birth control sometimes. I enjoy my time that I have with my brother and sister.

Sunday was a gorgeous day. Hubby and I spent it out and about. Went to the French Quarter, saw the Navy ships that were in to commemorate the bicentennial start of the War of 1812 and finished off with a late lunch at Dragos. Charbroiled oysters, fried ravioli and cocktails were consumed.

I have not been on a Navy ship in years. They were in town when I was a kid. My maternal grandfather was in the Navy and was in WW2. In fact, he was on the USS North Carolina (simply amazing story/ship). So, seeing the USS Wasp was neat as well as the other countries Naval ships who came to New Orleans for Navy Week. They departed today (at 11am).

Well, for now, I am counting down the days until I am on vacation to the coast of somewhere beautiful with my husband.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Signs to get out of an abusive relationship, family, "friend" and/or marriage.

This is from a friend's blog. It really hit home as I know of some women/men (mostly women) who are like this. Thankfully, they are not anyone close to me nor a friend. Just passers-by in life who I have learned to stay far away from.

High-Conflict Phases of Abuse, Blame Shifting, Distortion, Rage and Manipulation Diagram

Written by Dr Tara J. Palmatier on November 15, 2010 - 90 Comments
Categories: Abuse, Blame, Domestic Violence, High-Conflict, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Personality Disorders, Physical Abuse, Professional Victims, Psychological Abuse, Rage

Although this post is published under my name (Dr Tara J. Palmatier) it was actually written by one of my clients who is also a doctor in another health field. A couple weeks ago, he sent a diagram (included below) he created to discuss during our upcoming session. I was blown away. The diagram captures the abuse, blame shifting, distortion, rage and manipulation cycles that he experiences in his marriage week in and week out.
After we discussed the diagram, I asked my client if he would be willing to write a legend for it and he graciously agreed. I am very appreciative that he took the time to document what he experiences in his marriage and suspect that many of you who are reading this will, sadly, find what he describes all too familiar as well. Again, the following post and diagram were respectively written and created by one of my clients who prefers to remain anonymous:

Sorting Out the High Conflict Phases: A Personal Observation

by Anonymous Client

Most likely if you are reading this, you or someone you know is involved with a high-conflict individual and subsequently dealing with a broken or difficult relationship. If you are a guy, you probably just perked up when you read the word “broken.” Let’s face it, if you’re like me, you probably like to fix things. Fixing things can be simultaneously challenging and rewarding. But what can you do when you find yourself in an abusive, illogical and unrepairable relationship?

You could just head for the hills, but that isn’t always possible, especially in the beginning. Things are more complicated than just escaping your self-centered partner. There’s children, family, friends, finances, religious beliefs and numerous other variables involved. Even your own “manipulated” self-mental assessment regarding your accountability for the conflict may keep you from leaving. I mean, the person you thought you knew and trusted is telling you it’s all your fault, right? As a result, many of us are not so quick to leave and, therefore, have to deal with the conflict for a while. We need to seek other options.

I have been involved in health care for over twenty years and I frequently encounter patients who have medical problems that can’t be “fixed.” It is undeniable that some individuals deal with their situations much better than others. Some are in constant turmoil while others seem to have an inner peace about themselves. So the obvious question is, what makes the difference between the two groups?

It has been my observation that individuals who deal with things most effectively are on a journey to learn. They actively seek relevant knowledge regarding their problems. But equally important, they have perspective. They are able to see the bigger picture. This awareness enhances their coping skills. More simply stated, if you know what’s going on and where you might be headed, you feel better. You may not like your circumstances any better, but you feel better internally. Which group would you want to be in?

Psychological War is Hell

Over the last few years, I have read numerous articles regarding abusive relationships. I could relate to the manipulative tactics that high-conflict individuals use to abuse and control their partners. However, I had difficulty seeing the bigger picture. I knew where I had been, but I couldn’t tell where I was going. Or, could I? After reflecting on my own years of adversity, I began to recognize distinct repetitive phases to each conflict in my marriage. Each phase seemed to serve a particular role. With this revelation, I decided to try and add some perspective by analyzing the phases. The result of my efforts is the flow chart described below. If you are prone to flashbacks and nightmares I suggest you stop reading here! (Legend continues below diagram).

Tactics. This is your partner’s weapons arsenal. The list is long. She is clearly a psychological weapons specialist. Just like countries spend vast amounts of resources evaluating the weapons of other countries, you need to do so as well. I will not detail the tactics individually, but take the time to learn the weapons she uses so that you can identify them and thereby counter them more effectively in future conflicts.
The first two phases are knee jerk responses. Your significant other has been the way she is for a long time. When things don’t go her way, she just goes on autopilot and bad things happen. Let’s break it down.

Phase I

Perceived Insult. It is easy to think of this as the “trigger.” Problem is, this is no ordinary trigger. It is a hair-trigger. Anything that portrays her as less than perfect or holds her accountable will trigger her for sure. You need to evaluate what triggers your partner. If you were the one that actually triggered the response, it will be easier to identify. However, sometimes it wasn’t your finger on the trigger. More on that later.
Disproportionate Rage. This phase could easily be labeled “shock and awe.” You will be in awe because in your mind the perceived insult will not warrant the level of rage you receive. If your infraction is deemed serious enough, she is most likely to use nuclear weapons first. Don’t be surprised if you are subjected to flying objects, yelling, divorce threats, and false 911 calls. There will definitely be memories that last a lifetime!
After the mushroom cloud clears, things will de-escalate slowly. This may take hours, days or even weeks sometimes. The significant difference between the knee jerk phases and the remaining ones is that the events and conversations will become very calculated and manipulated on her part. Illogical arguments and distorted views will definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties.

Phase II

Defensive / Retaliation. This is basically a scaled down, less violent version of the previous phase. Cluster bombing comes to mind. She has done nothing wrong! You are wrong! It’s just that simple. Anything you say is wrong. Even an apology would be wrong. Your recollections of the events are inaccurate. Nobody has ever treated her as poorly as you do.
She claims that all of her friends, doctors, therapists, parents and the mailman agree with her. They all know you are an abusive jerk. She claims she will continue to do whatever she wants. You will pay for your infraction. She is the judge, jury and executioner all in one. You are not able to get a word in edgewise at this point. All you can do is hunker down and let the bombs fall.

Phase III

Playing Nice. Are you willing to surrender? Here is your chance. She will approach you in an eerily calm manner and pretend like nothing ever happened. She will then offer some type of phony apology as well as a dose of blame. The old, “I’m sorry, but. . . it’s really your fault.” Never mind that she has repeated the same actions numerous times. That doesn’t matter. You are suppose to take her at her word that she is genuine this time.
All you have to do is admit that her actions were your fault and you need to change your ways. She will even let you speak at this point. Nothing you say will be correct but at least she will pretend to listen. Offers for make-up sex might even be made to facilitate your compliance with the program.
Secondary Arguments. If you decide to withhold raising the white flag, you will find your battlefronts broadening in scope as you engage in “topic warfare.” The topics of conflict will stray far from the original infraction. Every problem you have encountered since the beginning of your relationship will come up. Any sensitive information you have shared with her will be misconstrued against you. The attacks become very personal in nature.
You don’t make enough money. You’re a lousy lover. Every relationship she has ever had is better than this one. It goes on and on until she gets a very pivotal reaction I call the “nugget.” The nugget is any bad or politically incorrect reaction on your part. Heaven forbid if you defend yourself or call her a name. Unknowingly, you have just been read your Miranda rights. Anything you say can and will be used against you. As soon as she gets the nugget, this theater of operation is over.

Phase IV

Pseudo-Victim Creation. The nugget is the catalyst for the creation of the pseudo-victim. You are now outgunned and dealing with a psychological special operations unit. Her skills at being a professional victim are so well honed that you will even start to doubt yourself. Things get very dramatic.
She will cry, sulk and need to be consoled by friends. The guilt trips she lays on you are very intense. It has always been her, that has fought for the relationship while you have never even cared! What have you ever done for her? How can you be such a jerk? You use her as a beast of burden!
Role Reversal. At this point she has successfully taken the spotlight off of herself and put it on you. Things have come full circle. Her original reactions are completely “off topic.” You now find yourself defending yourself about one of the other issues brought up in the previous phase. You will find yourself shell-shocked and not even knowing what you are really arguing about at this point.
She will continue to repeat the cycles from “playing nice” to the “role reversal” until she is satisfied that she has either won the war or some other “hot topic” comes along and takes precedence.

Phase V

The Cloud. This is basically a cold war phase. If you accepted her phony apology, you may have been able bypass the Secondary Arguments, Pseudo-Victim Creation and Role Reversal and leap frog directly to this phase. There are no direct conflicts in the Cloud, but uncertainties are abound. The underlying hostilities are still there. There is never any real resolution or compromise to the previous situation. There is only pseudo-forgiveness. Even though the prior conflict is not talked about, it will certainly come up again in some other secondary argument phase.
Establishing a demilitarized zone and avoiding each other may provide some degree of normalcy and peace to your life. Like being in a real cloud, the visibility is poor. You have no clue what the next conflict will be about or when it will occur. If you are a veteran, you will learn to be on a mental red alert at all times.

Special Considerations

Covert Route. This happens when you weren’t the one who pulled her trigger. It is essentially a shortcut to the secondary argument phase. An example would be when you experience “topic warfare” minutes after you get home from work. An unknowing partner may think she is just in a bad mood, but in actuality, somebody insulted her during the day and she is taking it out on you to make herself feel better. A clue to confirm this is that she is mad at everybody and not just yourself.

Submissive Route. As previously noted, if you are willing to accept her phony apologies and “drink the Kool-Aid”, you can take a shortcut to the Cloud phase. Just remember, there is no amnesty granted. You still caused her to act poorly in the beginning. You are basically on parole. If you violate your parole, the conflict will immediately pick up where it left off.

Don’t Be a P.O.W.

In a normal relationship, one would be able to eliminate this cycle of conflict through understanding and compromise. However, with high-conflict individuals, this cycle is deeply ingrained within their DNA. As described above, there is no compromise. There is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation designed to blame you for any lack of responsibility or accountability on their part. Absolute control of the partner is the goal. This is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning.

Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame one’s self or to simply justify their bad behaviors. Only through careful observation can one begin to perceive the true intent of your partner’s manipulative actions. In my case, the visualization of a flowchart added a tangible realization as to why the conflicts progressed as they did.

These are, of course, my own personal observations and interpretations. Your personal flow chart could vary from mine. Nevertheless, I suggest you do your own case study and study the trends. Your epiphany might just give you a different perspective. You may not like your circumstances any better, but you may be better able to cope with them until other options are available.

Thanks again to my client for this very insightful diagram and its explanation.

This is the link:

http://www.shrink4men.com/2010/11/15/high-conflict-phases-of-abuse-blame-shifting-distortion-rage-and-manipulation-diagram/comment-page-4/#comment-6278