Yesterday was NOT a good day, mentally, for me. It was the first time in months that I just couldn't change it no matter what I did. I hate that I love someone so much, yet it really doesn't matter to him what he's done/doing to me. As I've said before, for the first time in my life, I am doing really well. I've gotten my shit together financially, I've gotten my credit to where it is finally getting really good, I am 100% on my own with no help from anyone. It's a nice place to be and it can only get better from here, right?
I hate that I love a man so damn much that I allow him to control this whole thing. I don't have the nuts to file. I do not have the nuts to take control of this situation and file for divorce. I have no clue what is holding me back either. We've been separated for a year. No shot at reconciling. He hasn't spoken to me since Good Friday when some "friend" felt the need to contact him about some bullshit lies and he chose to believe them. That right there should tell me something. Not to mention, how he has treated me since, he hasn't changed one bit, yet for some reason, I can't let go. I just can't. It's like I made all of this effort and was doing so well and then I had a set back. A major one. Maybe it was going to a funeral on Monday. That whole situation hurt me to my core and it made me really think. Maybe that is why I've had this set back.
Good thing though, I know that I am strong because I didn't turn to drink like I would have. Key now is to not turn to drinking because I am a stress drinker and nothing good comes out of it. I've learned to identify the triggers and I am learning how to deal with it all healthily.
I'm also cutting my hours back, tremendously, at the bar because I really do not need that job anymore. I would quit, but things are so hectic there with being short-handed manager wise, my supervisor helped me out in rehiring me because I NEEDED that job badly to help supplement the loss of being in a two income household. But now, not so much. So, I'll stay, work a couple of shifts a week and help out when needed until I can leave. So ready to have a life of leisure, lol. Well, I still have my paralegal gig, but . . .
I guess I should just start planning a get away trip for some rest/relaxation, maybe with the girls or maybe by myself, and that will put me in a better mood. Key West, it is.
